Obama Unionizes Caddies, Squelches Request for Tip

Posted on | July 12, 2010 | No Comments |

Obama Unionizes Caddies, Squelches Request for Tip

It was a monumental day at Lakehurst Country Club. President Obama, known for being up to three hours late for Cabinet meetings, Congressional talks, and meetings with leaders of traditional US allies such as Great Britain, France, Israel, and Poland, arrived just short of three hours early for his scheduled tee time of 9am.

"I was in awe when he picked me to be his caddy," stammered Petey Sampson, a former drive-thru clerk at McDonalds. "He told me it was because of my tee shirt, which he actually signed. I've decided to never wash it again," Sampson added as he displayed the tye-died Che Guevara tee with a large ketchup stain on his forehead.

Vice President Joe Biden also had his pick of caddies. It is this reporter's opinion that Mr. Biden chose Edward Robinson, the only black caddy available, because of his strong belief in civil rights. "He said 'You look like you have a strong back, son. I bet you could go hours with having to get a drink of water. Do you know any hymns you could sing while we golf?'" Edward beamed as he told the story he'll most likely tell his grandchildren.

During the round, the President, using his community organizing skills, discussed with Sampson the benefits of organizing the caddies for the good of the group and how the pay and benefits should outweigh the actual work involved. Biden seemed to be intentionally slicing five balls at a time into the heavy rough. "I could swear I heard him mumble 'Damn, those golf balls sure are looking more and more like cotton.'" Edward said later.

As they reached the 16th hole, nearly every Lakehurst caddy, with the help of SEIU union members, had surrounded the caddy house picketing for higher wages and better working conditions. Their chants of "Pay your caddy or find out who's your daddy!" and "We don't wash your balls for nothing!" could be heard for miles around the club.

By the end of the President's round, the Lakehurst Caddy Association had caved to the caddies' demands to organize after one caddy bit the caddy supervisor's finger off. The terms of their new contract are not completely known, but it is believed that they will each receive a ten cent raise plus a finders keepers clause allowing a caddy who finds items left by golfers to keep them. "They better watch where they leave their iPhones if you know what I mean," chuckled 'Five Fingers', one of the most popular caddies whose name was given to him by the others. In addition to this, each caddy will have to pay union dues of $40 per week to the SEIU even if the dues exceed that caddy's actual pay.

"It was a bittersweet moment. Overall, I believe it was a gread day for caddies everywhere," exclaimed Sampson. "Those SEIU guys really know how to help people find new ways of doing things. Even when I asked Mr. Obama for a tip, one of them showed me how easy it is to use the water hazards to remove sand thrown in your eyes. I actually was able to retrieve three balls from the pond. That's thirty more cents added to my pay when I turn those babies in. Of course, the SEIU gets a third of that."

Biden, on the other hand, patted Edward on the back and handed him a $3 off coupon to Hank's Barbecue. "He's not really that good a golfer, but he tips well. I still haven't figured out what 'keep shaking that bush' means. He kept saying that all day," noted Edward.

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